A christmas shag

I'm sorry, I shouldn't say that word....a lady of my age. But you see I went to see Allan in the panto and one of the crew (who shall remain nameless but loves elephants) had a few to many at the opening night party and asked me if I wanted a christmas shag. I first of all told him I didn't smoke then I thought he was talking about a carpet, then when he whispered something I cant repeat I realised he was talking about sex. I turned round and said " What a fxxxxxxg liberty. I smacked him right across the face. To tell you the truth I had a good look at him later on and I would rather of had the carpet. Anyway the panto is great as usual and I'm resigned to the fact that I am going tobe single for a while. I was talking to two girls after the show the other night and they said they were Lesbians. I was very interested because I've never been to Lesbia and I might get a chance to go with Allan on the ship sometime.
Ok cheerio
May.

single again

Well I haven't written because I have been distraught. That old Bxxxxxd from the dairy ran off with the milk maid. He said he wasn't going to play second fiddle to my Allan any more. Second fiddle....with his instrument he was lucky to be in the band at all. He was addicted to placebos, I told him to give up but he said it wouldn't make any difference. The final straw was when I came up to Glasgow to see my Allan in the Producers. He was wonderful. In a frock again.....and what a frock. So I'm on the look out for a man again. Although in all honesty I'm happier without one. I've been trying to look sexy recently. So I bought a rubber dress and a leather dog collar with some chains hanging from it. I wasn't just an outfit it was an S and M outfit. I suppose I should act my age. Anyway I'll be in Edinburgh soon for the panto so I'll no doubt have a wee Christmas fling. Please don't think I'm promiscuous I just like the company. By the way if anyone knows where I can get whole sale Tenaladies let me know.
Aunty May. xxxxx

spring is in the air

Hello every one, I say spring is in the air because I have another new man. My last gas board friend dumped me. I was glad actually. There is nothing more boring than listening to him singing songs from the show he is writing " Gas the Musical" . He says it will be a smash hit. With songs like "Gas has no smell" and "The world would be a better place with out Electricity" you can imagine how boring life was. Anyway He phoned me and said he was missing me. I wont repeat what I said but I put his gas at a peep.
My new man works in a dairy. He smells a bit like old milk sometimes but you get used to it. Funnily enough he's writing somehting as well..... a book. Its called "Dribblings from my Dairy" or was it "Scribblings from my diary" cant remember but he has a great sense of humour. I took him to a wife swapping party last week (I'm a bit of a swinger you know). There was only one other couple there and he wasn't happy because it was the Krankies. Mind you I did hear him shout Fandabidozi more than once.
Well that's it for now I hope this relationship last a bit longer.... even if its just for the free milk and butter, not to mention the cheese.
Cheerio
Aunty May.

So sorry

I'm so sorry I haven't written for such a long time. I have met a man and my life seems to have been taken up with him. Don't get me wrong I still see Allan as much as I can but my new man, Henry gets a bit jealous. I travelled up to see him in Panto( Allan not Henry), I also saw him in the Centenary show. They were both wonderfu,l although Henry didn't say much. He works for the Gas board and doesn't have much of a sense of humour. He's very intelligent though. He's always making interesting comments like, why has the word LISP got an S in it? He went to buy me a gold fish for my birthday and the man in the pet shop asked him if he wanted an aquarium. He said he didn't care what star sign it was. Allan tells me that the panto broke all box office records. Something about £1.2 million. That seems an awful lot of money. What will he do with it all. Henry is upstairs reading at the moment. He says its a great book "the history of glue" says he cant put it down. I've just read Thom Dibdens review of the show. What show was he at. What a fxxxxxg liberty!!!!!
Ok must go and make Henry's lunch he's at home today. He suffers badly from piles. Poor man.
bye

Hello again

Oh hello I'm sitting in Dundee. I came up to see my wee Allan in his final week at the Dundee Rep. You wouldn't believe how busy it is. Packed every night. I got some Dundee cake as well. I going to Forfar tomorrow.....don't know why but everybody says I should try a Forfar Friday...... I think thats what they said.
I was in Glasgow last week, I find that place very agist. A lot of the streets have big signs up sayin 20's plenty. I'm nearly 65 and I'll give any young bird a run for her money. Allan is getting his wigs and frocks ready for panto. People say that he bases his character on me. Am I bovered am I bovered do I look bovered.
Went to the premier of In Her Shoes the other night and at the party they auctioned a pair of Elizabeht Taylor's shoes for £10,000. rediculous they could of had a pair of my sesible shoes for a fiver. Mind you I suppose Elizabeth's shoes were hardly worn as the poor old cow stays in bed most of the time.
Ok I'm off to the shops
bye
xxxx

Hello

Hello its me again. You know I was just walking past an empty shop in Morningside and I feel so sorry for that Bill Stickers everyone wants to prosecute him. I mean what has he done. There are posters on all the windows of empty shops Bill Stickers will be prosecuted.
Anyway I suppose its not my problem. I was at the doctors yesterday there's nothing wrong with me I just like the company. The gossip you hear in that waiting room. They were telling me that Allan and Andy's show Phones in their Jackets or something is doing very well at the box office. I cant imagine a show about mobile phones being much fun. Any way I'll go along to it and give it a look. I was hoping that they were going to call the next hurricane, hurricane May. You know how it goes alphabetically. They seem to have missed me. Ok I'm off the Marks and Spencers. I love their Shepherd pie.
bye

My wee Allan

Hello there, it's been a good drying day hasn't it. I'm so excited about my Allan's web site. I've been telling him for years to do this. He's always a bit slow on the uptake.

I've just been on the Arcadia cruise ship with him. Oh there's some sights on there. There was this ....how should I say it .....big girl there. Poor soul had to be cut out of a hula hoop. Allan did very well in his shows. He got two sitting ovations.... wonderful.
I have to go now I will be keeping you up to date with our lives but for now I have to go nature calls.
bye.
Aunty May